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Archive for July 11th, 2011

Tell Me Your Problems – My Advice To Questions to Other Columnists

Posted by 4love2love on July 11, 2011

I want to get this going, so I thought about taking some questions from some other advice columns, then putting my own answers in. I thought it sounded fun and I want to work on this project to add more substance to the blog. I hope that it will encourage people to ask me questions for my advice. Again, the email for the advice is :

The questions that are used are taken from various sources. I will be providing where I got the question from and to the page so that you can read the “professional” version of the advice. Or at least the experienced advice columnists. So here you go, the questions sent to the professionals, with my answers. I hope you enjoy! ūüôā

Taken from Dear Abby :

When my children were young, I was a single parent. I always put my children first. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we got by. If they asked for something we couldn’t afford, we would discuss it. I’d show them the budget and the bills, and we’d find a way to get what they wanted.They gave up snacks for six months so I could set that money aside to buy them bikes. We also decided we could go to Disney World — if we didn’t have cable for two years. If they wanted something, the answer was always yes, but I let them know we needed to figure out how to manage it. They learned to budget and save for things they wanted. I believe if you work toward a goal, you can achieve it.

My new husband disagrees with me. We attended a parenting class together and they agreed with him. This doesn’t sit well with me. I feel that just saying “no” is showing them we have the control, but teaches them nothing. Am I wrong? — ALREADY AT ODDS IN NEW JERSEY

My response to the question – Not necessarily. But you are teaching them extremely valuable lessons in how ¬†you manage things. Other people may tell their children no, or say that it’s ok to say no to them. A happy middle ground is important for children to learn some well-rounded lessons. The fact that you say yes, we can but we have to do this for it to happen teaches them a wide-array of lessons. That if it’s important enough to have, sometimes it’s worth sacrificing something else in order to have it. I think in the long run, those kinds of lessons are ones that stick with you into adulthood, including the budgeting which is very important.

In the end, you have to decide what’s best for your kids. If your new husband disagrees with you, try talking to him about it and explain your reasons. If he can’t understand, then I would try to compromise a little bit, but only so far as you feel comfortable. If it continues to be a problem, you may have to decide if your husband or your beliefs on how your children should be raised is more important. He should listen to logic, but some people have their own beliefs on how children should be raised and it’s based in part on how they were raised. It’s hard to unwire something that basic in the brain’s memory.

Taken from Dear Ms. Web :
I am looking for impartial advice.  My fiancé and I are getting married next month.  We have a four-year old together.  My mother-in-law has always been good, not interfering, or manipulative.  Until now.  She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque.  I was disappointed but agreed.  My fiancé and I gave her the list of the invitees and now she says that she has family in town, about six people, who she is including at the dinner.  She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them.  I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant.  Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner.  My fiancé and I agree that this OUR wedding and we should be able to have things the way WE want them.  She has no right to dictate to us.  I don’t want my mother in law to walk all over me.  I think I deserve an apology.
my response to the question – I think you also need to realize that she wants to contribute. You are joining her family and it is her son as well. While ultimately it is up to the both of you to decide what you want the most, perhaps you could consider her feelings as well. Alienating your mother in law right before the wedding and the activities afterward is never a good thing. Perhaps the both of you together should approach her and explain how you two feel to her. That you would like to her be able to contribute, if you think she wants to, which I’m sure she does, but she has to respect your boundaries and your wishes because this is your wedding, not hers. If she gets angry and tells you to do whatever you want, then do it. If you can’t reach a compromise with her, then don’t worry about it. It is your wedding after all, and the mother in law usually gets over things sooner or later.

From Dr. Tracy :

I Need help. I’m 31 from Miami. I believe I’m running out of time to get married and have a family.I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I like her and she is a beautiful person and dedicated to me. We live together and she is very special to me.

However, I just recently met a girl that I had a sexual relationship with and a little more. She turns me inside out and can’t stop thinking about her.

This new girl told me to erase her phone because I was never going to break up with my girlfriend. This girl has a lot of qualities I like plus when I see her I get tingles in my stomach.

What should I do? Break up or forget this girl ever happened and get married with my girlfriend?

I would highly appreciate your opinion.


Tormented fellow.

my advice to the question – Those tingles? Didn’t you feel them with your girlfriend when you first got together? Haven’t you had this sensation before? It’s called infatuation. You need to be honest with yourself, ok?
First off, you just cheated on a woman you’re considering marrying. Do you think SHE is going to like that you’re thinking about marrying her but yet you cheated on her? What kind of priorities do you have? If you want to marry a girl, you don’t cheat on her, for starters. Secondly, breaking up with a girlfriend because you got the warm fuzzies over another girl shows that you are absolutely not ready to get married yet.
You marry this girl, you’re going to be lying to her just by the marriage if you don’t tell her about the cheating. If you go for the other woman, you are just going to have a good time for a while, then she’ll be gone like the rest.
If you want a lasting relationship it will be a combination of the fuzzies along with a sense of belonging. The hot and the cold mixed together. If it is a woman you can’t imagine living without or can’t imagine ever sleeping with another person while you two are together, then you’re ready. It won’t always feel that obvious, but you’ll know the woman you want to settle down with when you’re ready to and when that happens, you won’t have a question that involves cheating or any other breaks in what would be considered a¬†monogamous¬†relationship.

 From Advice Goddess :

My boyfriend still shares a weekend/vacation house with his ex-wife. He just framed a photo of me and put it on the nightstand next to his bed, the spot where he previously put unimportant photos — ones of his dogs and trips with college friends. All the photos of his family members (and of his now-ex-wife) are along the stairway. Should I say something?


my advice to the question – Did you consider it possible than he put that picture up there to remind his ex-wife who he is with now? Or maybe he’s putting it there because that’s the first thing he sees when he wakes up there in the morning. Maybe you’re taking this a little too hard. It’s possible he’s trying to annoy his ex-wife, and it’s possible he’s moving family pictures along the hallway because those are where they belong, and the ones most important to him now belong in a place where he can see it every day. Some guys are different.
Personally, I would just let this one go for ¬†now and see where it leads. I wouldn’t take this as a big sign. Guys usually don’t think as much about something as do them. They often do things that we, as women, take to be more than they are. To a guy it just makes sense to move family pictures to the stairway, that way they wouldn’t be cluttering up everything. You hooked up with a guy that has baggage. You have to kind of expect that in a relationship. His life didn’t begin when you met, but maybe for him, those are older momentos and a lot of times a guy doesn’t think about an ex-wife’s picture since to him, it’s just another part of the past. His present is in that bedroom waiting to greet him when he wakes up.

Irredeemable lack of attraction :¬†I find a lot of men handsome, but attractive-ness seems to imply some desire rather than just objective appreciation. My husband (of 8 years) is the ONLY man I find attractive, but many men are handsome. My friends think I’m nuts.

my adivice to the question – It’s called being in love. I do the same thing. If I’m with a guy, I very seldom find other men attractive. At least, not in a¬†sexual¬†way. I may appreciate their appearance, but that’s as far as my eye wanders. My friends have learned to understand I only have eyes for one man at a time. Sounds like you are much the same way. Nothing wrong with it, I swear! ūüôā

And that’s all for now. Hope you found something interesting. If you like my answers, please feel free to write questions, I promise you I will respond to all requests.

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