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What am i doing here?

Posted by 4love2love on May 16, 2011

I guess everyone wonders at some point what their purpose is, what it is that they are doing on this planet. I know I’ve been wondering this my entire life. Or, at least, since I was about 9. Some people are blessed with a loving family, a life that makes them feel like they’re accomplishing something, education that gives them some satisfaction in a goal they’ve already achieved… something, anything that keeps them tied here that makes them feel part of something.

I don’t think I’ve ever had that.

It’s a lonely life at the bottom. No education worth mentioning, no close family ties, very few wonderful childhood memories that aren’t attributed to someone already long gone. No job, no money and no end to the pain that goes on from day to day. Not the internal pain, the physical. The internal pain is there, but it’s nothing what it used to be. It doesn’t linger in every waking moment, filling every breath with dread of the next moment and leaving me, in the end, wishing I was dead or had never been born.

I still have those days, but they are fewer and farther between.

My pain could be worse, and at least most days I can still walk without help. My disease is not uncommon, but that doesn’t make the days go by any more quickly, or my situation any less dire. Money is a problem. Jobs here are scarce and I don’t know how much longer I can manage like this. Something has to give sooner or later because I’ve nowhere else to go.

Everyone should have someone to lean on, someone to confide in, someone they can turn to for help. I just wish I was one of those people.


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